Day One: Back for good

So this year is almost over and I haven't really accomplished anything of significance. At least not to me.(which the exception of becoming a mother!)
Here are a few things that I have done so far this year
I have managed to stay in school.
I have lost 43lbs

That is about it....

Maybe the everyday routine of life is riding on me. Maybe I am bored. I have always enjoyed trying new things. I get bored easy. I don't do well with routine. I feel myself going through another change. I don't feel right anymore. I am going through a "why?" phase.

Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why? Why? Why?
This is all I hear in my head. I need to make some changes. But what?
I am not sure. But I am counting down to this new year.

So here is day( The change is...getting my homework in before the dead line)
I usually put off my homework until the last minute to start working on it, and I end up falling asleep before I finish it.

OK, have a wonderful Saturday. I will see you all tomorrow.

Hello Again

Too my readers it has been a really long time since I was last on here. But I have been terribly busy( although this is really one of the poorest excuses, right?) Everyone is busy everyone has lives.
Here are a few updates.
I am officially down 42lbs since the baby was born in April 2010
I am still going to school
and I am getting married on July 24,2011
So yes there have been a lot of changes.
I will try to be back for good. I will try and write everyday.

I hope you are all doing well.

Confessions......

(I found this and thought I would share, it was written a couple years ago)

Confessions of a lady bug
By Johanna~Marie

Intro

We all have our secrets, and we all have our regrets. Some of us learn to let go of the past and embrace the future with open arms. But then there are those of us whom dwell on the past. In dwelling on the past, we allow the past to engulf us. We allow it to become our reality. We live in yesterday. Afraid of a life that is unknown, we cling onto our formal realities. Opting to live in the pain of our yesterdays, instead of finding the strength to face the uncertainties of tomorrow. In refusing to let go, we lock ourselves away. How can we allow this? This life is full of beautiful and unexplainable things. Everything that occurs whether it is good or bad reveals its meaning with time. I have fumbled over my words for so long that I have allowed them to become a part of my being, my soul lingers beneath all the lies that have consumed the world I have become accustomed to. I wait for the beacon of hope to aspire my willingness to free myself from the clutches of the hell that is my life.
This is my story. My confessions written down, documented for the world to see. I have lived inside of a false reality that for so long has kept me in the dark. I was like the ladybug that hid beneath the log. Afraid of spreading her wings. Afraid of allowing the wind to carry her to the unknown, but we all have to let go of our fears at one time or another. The lady bug inside of me is ready to crawl out from under the log and be carried away by the wind…………..

Furious......

I am so furious right now. I had just written a post and it got erased!(making mean faces at the computer). I don't know if I can top that post. but I will try.
Lately I have been wanting and yearning to write. I miss the days when I could write for hours. I have always aspired to be a writer but I have always been so afraid. I suppose the fear is due to the fact that when I was 13 my step mother found and read my diary. Not only that but she locked me in her room as she recited all my entries back to me. I had to explain myself for every word that she read out loud. I was then told by my father that I could no longer write because writing just hurts people's feelings. He then threw my diary away. I need to unblock the fear that has kept me from writing because I need to write. It is my only escape!
( I tried to make this post better, but failed! I need to get back to work. Because an aspiring writer needs to pay the bills!)
HAVE A NICE WEEKEND ALL!

Another week....another broken heart.

I haven't written in almost a week, because I have been really really stressed.(When I say stressed, I mean crying and not eating stressed)I thought that by moving out of my families house that everything would get better. I was also under the false impression that after my baby was born that they would no longer look down on me for getting pregnant. As if somehow seeing the baby would erase all the meanness in their hearts. I was wrong!
I am trying to be the best mother that I can be, but I feel so lost. I had made a decision when I got pregnant that it was no longer about me. That I was going to make it all about my children. But as of late I am starting to see that maybe sometimes it has to be about me too.
I picked up the bible the other day. Someone told me that it would help. I haven't read it. Instead I held it in my hands and was overwhelmed with sorrow that I began to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what it is that I am supposed to do? But I suppose that when you grow up hearing things like:
"love isn't real, if someone tells you that they love you. It is a lie! Because no body will ever care about someone more then they care about themselves." True words spoken by my father.(it's no wonder that I am torn)
But I have to believe that what he wants me to believe is a lie. Because without love what kind of life can I build for my children?

Last Night......

Last night I couldn't’t sleep. I was overwhelmed with worries and “what if’s”…what if I don’t get all of my grant from the school? ….what if I don’t lose all the baby weight fast?......What if it takes longer to get my RN?......all these questions and more stayed with me most of the night. So there I was sitting on the bed and hyperventilating. When around 12:30 am my boyfriend walked into the room to get something. When he noticed that I was still wide awake.
“why are you still up?” he asked.
With just that one question I was overwhelmed; I spilled out to him and began to cry. He just sighed and hugged me.
“You always worry too much.”
“No I don’t…” I fought back
He chuckled and hugged me. “You need to learn how to worry about the things that are happening now not tomorrow.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, I was confused, aren’t you suppose to worry about the future?
“Try this, worry about two things that are happening right now like, Evelyn wants to be held and the dishes need to be washed, and then worry about one thing in the future like school starts in two weeks.”
After he said that it was like a light bulb went off. He was right I need to focus on today or tomorrow will be here and I would have worried over nothing and missed my life right now. So starting today I am going to try that. Taking a deep breath in and allowing life to takes its course. If I continue to stress the way that I do, soon I will suffer from a heart attack.
So I am off, I am planning a weekend full of fun and adventure for my family and I. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

I missed Running......

I bent forward and kept my legs straight. The burn that came from stretching made me let out a big puff of air. I had just finished 2 miles in 26 minutes. I kept the stretch going for 60 seconds. I then slowly rose up exhaling. I felt so relieved so free. I love the feeling that I am taken over with when I am running. I urge to shortness of breath, I need the burning sensation in my lungs like a smoker needs the drag off of their cigarette. I am running junkie. Throughout my entire pregnancy I couldn't’t run. I needed it so badly, without the exercise I became a witch. The hormones didn’t help the cause but the lack of running really put a strain on me emotionally as well as physically.
I am three months postpartum and 32 pounds lighter, I could not be more pleased, as I am sure my boyfriend is as well because he doesn’t have to fear the loss of life every time I decide to sit on his lap anymore! (When I was pregnant I would attempt this as well as trying to preserve the romance in our relationship. But who in the world would take a pregnant lady tease dance seriously!)
But that was then and this is now. 32 pounds lighter the dance is a lot more appealing. I have been swamped at work this week. But I have kept from cheating; Although Sushi on my cheat days has become a routine. Mmmm sushi is the best food in the world! I should have been born Asian and not Mexican.
I have 30 pounds to lose and 9 weeks until my 5k race, and it’s all on schedule so far! Hope you all have an awesome weekend and remember determination and a big imagination will take you far.

Monday Morning......

I have spent this entire past weekend relaxing. I did my runs and Palates. I suppose you can say that I had a very productive weekend. I am down 2 more pounds and I want to be down to 200lbs for my daughters third birthday at the end of the month. We are taking her to the park and throwing a birthday party. I want to be able to buy a new outfit for that and show off my progress. At the end of the month I will post before and after photos for you guys.
Even with all the workouts and calorie counting I still feel fat. I feel bloated I can't feel the weight loss or perhaps its because in my head I am still fat. People will tell me that they see the difference but I am not sure if they are just trying to be nice?
Well that is all I have for now. I can hear my baby crying in her crib and no doubt her father is in the shower. So that means I am up.
I will write later.
Have a wonderful Monday everyone!

My life so far.....

I haven't written in my post for awhile. I have been busy.Although that is no excuse for not keeping up with my blog. I should have taken time out of my day to write. So here are updates for my readers. I lost 12 pounds last month. Not exactly 20 pounds but I am not going to lie. I cheated a few days out of those 30. So really 12 pounds is not bad. So today I am starting another 30 day challange. I am also still training for my run in october. I am able to run half a mile without coughing up a lung!
I moved out of my sisters house. I have been feeling guilty about it. Although I don't know why I do. I did what I believed to be the best thing for me and my family. Where do you draw the line between your "Family" and your family? My whole life I have struggled to keep everyone happy. I always put thier needs before mine. But I can no longer do that. I feel like I am sufficating. I love my sisters and my dad but I love my family as well. I wish that they didn't have to make me feel like I have to choose between them.
I spent most of this weekend crying myself to sleep. I want my daugher to be happy I want her to have an amazing life. But how can I provide this if I myself am not happy? I have always felt left out from my sisters. We have nothing in common and most of the time I end up being more of a mother to them then an older sister. I am stuck!
But I have to move on. I guess you would call it cutting your losses. I can't afford to contiue to allow my family to suck the life out of me. I need to focus on my babies and my future husband. I may have not had control over which family I was born into. But I have control over what kind of family my daughters have.
So in my life so far.....
1. I am half way to losing all of my baby weight.
2. I start school this month and by the end of 2012 I should have my RN.
3. I have three girls and a man that I am in love with.
4. Starting to take care of my needs.

I WILL KEEP YOU ALL POSTED. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

The new info.

So yesterday I had mentioned that I wanted to someday do a Iron Man Triathlon. So today I have spent most of my morning researching diets and workouts to prepare. I had no idea that it was going to be so difficult. But I am willing and I want it to badly. I want to be a good example for the girls, and I want to shut everyone up who gave me the look of, Yeah right. When I told them. I am determined. It is going to be hard.
But fist things first. I have to get serious about training for my first 5k race ever! I am so excited. but I have a lot to do before then(I can't even run 1 mile without wheezing and coughing.) But I still have 10 weeks until the race. So the hardcore training begins today!
I am looking forward to the challenge, and also the hot body that will result from the hard work as well :)........(I am only half kidding) I want to be able to wear a tank top without having to hide my arm jelly with an over shirt.
Alright I should get going, But I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend.

An Update.....

OK so it has been about a week since my last post. And for that I am sorry. I have been so busy. I am getting ready to move and have been training for my 5k race in October. I start school next month and I move next week. I am going to be exhausted. My baby is doing great. She is starting to get an attitude like mine. I am having one of my awesome days. I feel so happy, accomplished, and motivated. I sat down today and wrote down everything that I want to accomplish by the end of 2012. One of them. I want to do an IRON MAN TRIATHLON. (SERIOUSLY)
Alright, enough about the future. Here are my 30-day challenge updates:
1.LAST WEEKEND I HAD TOO MUCH FUN WITH THE FAM. I GAINED 3 POUNDS BACK.
2.AS OF TODAY I HAVE LOST THE 3 POUNDS AND HAVE ABOUT 8 DAYS TO LOSE 10 LBS.
3.STILL WORKING OUT EVERYDAY.
4.STARTED DRINKING MORE WATER(this is helping me from snacking)
Alright you guys I will try to write tomorrow. I hope you all have a great Friday!

Motherhood...........

I went to the movies last night and didn’t get home until 12:00am so needless to say I did not run today. But I will work out today (and yes you can hold me to it) I will do palates tonight (After I take a nap of course). I have worked so hard to lose the first 10 pounds. And I refuse to gain a single pound back. Even with ten pounds sliced off of me I still feel unattractive. I look in the mirror and I just want to take my finger and shove it down my throat! Why must I feel this way? Why can’t I just feel beautiful, sexy, or at least pretty? It is sad to say that yes I want to be sexy. I think it’s because sexy is confidence. Why can’t I have that? I wish someone would have told me all the changes that my body was going to undergo when I got knocked up. Instead all I ever heard growing up was don’t get pregnant because delivery hurts. I think that if today’s youth was taught in school more about the hormone changes instead of just don’t do it because pregnancy ruins your life and you run a risk of getting an STD. they would wait to have sex until they were married and ready to have children. I truly believe that if teenage girls were taught that you get fat, depressed, and memory loss, they would run away from the guy instead of getting them to commit. I love my baby and I am blessed to have her. But I can’t imagine going through this as a child, I am 23 and still not fully mature to handle all of these changes. I need and will teach my daughter to respect her body and to have confidence so that she will not have to seek it elsewhere. Sex is something only adults should be permitted to do. There are too many feelings involved and consciences. I will make sure my daughter is fully educated.

The first 10 pounds are off!

I spent the other night going through old boxes and organizing. I am a pack rat by heart so needless to say I had a lot of junk.(junk is putting it lightly….I had receipts from 2003..8p) When I got to a bag full of jeans I cringed a little I didn’t want to try them on. But I remembered the purpose of going through my things was to get rid of the unnecessary and to keep only the things that I knew I would keep. So I walked over to the bedroom door and locked it. The last thing that I wanted was someone walking in on me trying to worm my way into a pair of jeans. So I closed my eyes and started to pull the pants up. To my surprise they slipped past my hips and when I attempted to zip them up they zipped right up. I just laughed I was so happy. It has been almost a year since I have been able to wear a pair of jeans. I was no longer hesitant I pulled jeans after jeans and tried them all on. (they all fit!)
After this tiny bit of reassurance I am looking forward to shedding more pounds! This morning before I went for my run (Run! Yes run……I can run again!) I stepped onto the scale. I am down to 217lbs…this means that I have officially lost 10 pounds! I feel so accomplished so relieved that my efforts are not being met without reward. I have 10 more pounds to lose before the end of the month to meet my goal. I am looking forward to losing this overgrown person that I have morphed into.

Almost halfway there.......

I stepped onto the scale today not really expecting to have dropped anymore weight. But I have dropped another pound. Altogether that makes 9 pounds. I am one pound away from meeting half my weight goal loss in 30 days. I have 17 days left and 11 pounds to complete the 30 day challenge. I am so excited I have told myself that I can’t by a new outfit until I have reached 200lbs. Which I hope is soon because I am itching to go shopping. I knew that having a family would be hard, but I guess I didn’t realize how hard it would be. Don’t get me wrong I love it! But sometimes I feel as if I am not doing enough or that I am not doing the right thing. I am going through a downer today. I feel so overwhelmed with the responsibilities that I have taken on. I am no longer just responsible for myself but for the well being of my entire family. After I got off the scale and took a shower I stared at my body in the mirror. I am not going to lie I cried a little bit. Every time I look in the mirror I only notice the negative things about myself. I never allow myself to see the positives. In my eyes there is always room for improvement.
Why is that we compare our bodies to other peoples? I am told that I am cute….but what I really want to hear is that I am beautiful. I sat down this morning in front of the computer and I stared at pictures of celebrities. They always make it look so simple as if looking that good comes so naturally to them. I don’t think that I am ugly but I don’t think that I am beautiful either. I want and I yearn to be looked at as if I am the only person that matters in my boyfriends eyes. Sometimes I ask myself whether I am trying to get into shape for everyone else or for myself. When I sit down and think about it. It hits me I am doing it for my daughter. I want her to learn to love herself for how she is and to treat her body right. I don’t want her to see me self conscience and start to look at herself in a negative way. She is already a happy baby I want to keep her that way. I want her to have the confidence that I was never able to achieve.

5lbs down...(new goal)

I started to get out of bed this morning when my baby girl started to scream her head off. I was alarmed because she rarely cries. I ran over and picked her up. She looked at me and smiled. (I guess she just misses her mama) I get up early workout and then leave for work. I usually don’t see her until I get home from work. This past weekend I had a 3 day weekend and I guess that she was happy to have me around. She was tied to my waist 24/7 for those three days. So instead of going for my walk I did my palates video so that I could have more time with her. I am proud to say that I am now down to 222lbs which means I lost a total of 5 pounds so far in just 8 days! I am so excited about this(I could possibly be running in a few weeks!) after this 30day challenge is over I have a new goal set for myself.
NEW GOAL: Create a team for the Susan G. Komen race for the cure
• I want to raise 1000.00 dollars(more would be awesome!)
• If you are in the Reno area. Please join my team. We can create a team t-shirt and we will have so much fun doing it!(if interested e-mail me at Angela.j.ruiz@live.com)

Update after a long weekend......

I haven’t written in my blog for a few days, but I am proud to say that I have stuck to the plan. I am now down to 223lbs and hope to be down to at least 219lbs by next Monday. I did not stick to my usual workout this weekend, because I spent my entire weekend swimming, hiking, and running around with my girls. I am extremely sore right now. All my activity this weekend helped keep me guilt free after eating two slices of pizza with my girls(I don’t consider this cheating as it was eaten in moderation and I did not exceed my calories for the day)
This weekend was amazing I had so much fun with my family. This weekend opened my eyes a little more. It has made me appreciate my boyfriend a lot more. I know that we are going to last forever. I love him and he loves me. What else do you need? I am going to keep this post short. I have a lot to do today. I just wanted to keep you all posted on my progress.
I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A WONDERFUL 4TH OF JULY!!!!

Day two.......

Day two…
I spent most of last night shopping with my family. It was the most fun I have had in a long. I miss shopping! There is something so liberating in walking up and down the aisles looking. The high that you get from swiping plastic is one that can’t be matched.(I know I am a shopaholic!) But I got some really cute stuff for my girls, and a new pair of running shoes. So it’s not like did some needless spending. After leaving the department store we went to the grocery store. While I was gathering the things off of my list of things that I can eat. I was surprised when my boyfriend turned to me and asked me if I could eat the seaweed that he was holding up. I giggled and hugged him and said “just cook your regular dinners and I will worry about portioning it” (smiling……) I am glad that he is supporting me through this. But I don’t expect him to keep up with my calories. He already does so much for me.(you know its love when someone supports you and tries to help) So with all the shopping I am sad to say that I didn’t get to bed until 12:33am this was a horrible idea. Because I had to get back up at 5:00am but what are you going to do when you have a family to take of? So in case you’re wondering…yes! I did get up at 5:00 am this morning. I tried to avoid the work out but my daughter helped get me out. After I got her changed and fed. I ate my breakfast and worked out. So day two is done and I owe it all to my daughter for getting me out of bed!(I am going to go to bed as soon as I get home!) So to my readers there are many excuses to make not to get out of bed in the morning to work out, But the reward of just doing it is so much greater than the extra hour of sleep.

Day One.....

Day one has begun.
My alarm went off at 5am this morning. I opened one eye and looked at the time. I was horrified at how fast the time had gone by. I felt as if I had just closed my eyes. I pushed the snooze button and tried to get some more sleep. five minutes later my daughter started to cry.(I guess this is her way of motivating me...smiling)I got up and put her back to sleep. By the time I had put her back to sleep I was awake enough to attempt this 30 day challenge. So I changed into my sweats and ate my breakfast. The protein shake mix that the trainer gave me had instructions that said it could either be blended or stirred. In an attempt to minimize noise I decided to stir.And I have to say that the shake is meant to be blended and not stirred. As I tried to gulp the shake down it had junks of the mix in it. Next time it will be blended or I wont drink it. The taste is not as bad as the texture. after tackling the shake I went on a two mile walk.By the time I came home I was exhausted. So I must admit it is going to be harder then I thought. But at least day one is half way done and I have stuck to the plan so far.....(sighing)

Taking on the 30 day challenge!

I haven't written on my blog for the past two days. I meant to get on and write but I was going through a spell of uncontrollable hormones. Sunday was supposed to be a great day with my family. But ended up turning into a game of tug a war for my emotions. I woke up in high spirits and went to bed feeling like garbage. When I go on one of my spells I tend to step on those that I love. I snap and I push people until they push back.
Monday morning consisted of me trying to get the strength to smile. I am trying this new thing where I don't let people see that I am upset.
so moving on.... (today is a new day)
I have consulted a personal trainer about wanting to lose weight and how much and how fast I wanted to lose it. He gave me this protein shake thing for the mornings before I go work out. I have always worked out on an empty stomach and eaten breakfast after. So eating before working out just means that I am going to have to wake up earlier then usual ( crying..sopping...making a puppy dog face)
he also told me that I have to stick to 1500 calories a day! I am still crying over this one. This means that snacks are out of the picture. I hope that I can stick to this. But I have nothing to lose(except weight!). The least I can do is try this for a whole month and since July is around the corner what perfect time to start then now? So when I asked him how many pounds I can lose in 30 days doing this. He says real causally 20 pounds. I kind of laughed out loud. But he looked at me straight in the eye and said. "seriously, if you stick to the plan and you really want it. 20 pounds"...so I don't know if I can take his word for it. So I am going to give it a try starting tomorrow. I will keep you guys posted.

The Plan (updates)

Updates
1.Pre-pregnancy weight 175 1bs (end of pregnancy weight 247 lbs)
Current weight: 227 lbs

2.Have worked out every day since Thursday
3.Food consumption: moderately healthy(can’t stay away from taco bell)
4.Current Mood: Happy ( with a hint of disappointment in how much weight I gained during pregnancy)

One Step At A Time

Beeeep! Beeeep! Beeeeep! This was the sound that I woke up to today. The noise pierced through my ears and my nerves. I grabbed my cell phone as quickly as I could before the alarm woke up the baby. But being the klutz that I am I dropped the phone before I could silence the alarm…… I rolled out of bed (more like fell out of bed) and frantically padded my hands on the surface of the carpet while crawling. When I had finally found and disabled the alarm. I could hear the rustling in the crib that I was trying to avoid. Without a second thought I rushed up and ran over to the crib. I had managed to wake up one of my companions I didn’t want to wake the other. My boyfriend is not a very good morning person. While running to the crib I miscalculated the distance and ran my big toe into one of the legs of the crib. I let out a tiny “yelp!” if I would have known that my boyfriend was going to wake up for a brief second when I did this. I would have made the yelp count and screamed instead of trying to muffle the pain that I was feeling. After I had picked her up, fed her, and gotten her to fall back asleep. I was awake enough to go for my morning walk. (I have to walk due to my knees. I wish that I could run though.)
My knees felt better today than they did yesterday. While I was walking I was thinking about all the things that have happened in the last year. (Yesterday’s anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death sparked the sudden realization.) If someone would have told me then that today I would be in a relationship with three daughters. I would have probably laughed in their face. I was into the party life. I spent my nights in the bars, and waking up with a hangover was the norm. It kind of takes your breath away when you suddenly realize how much can happen in an instant. It also makes you realize that nothing lasts forever. So for today I want to leave you guys with this. Live in the moment because today is yesterday and tomorrow is today.

Evening Run.....

I was determined and willing to go for a jog yesterday evening. I drove to a trail that is about a mile away from my home. The entire drive there I fantasized about running and how good it was going to feel. I miss the burn in my lungs and the tightening of the muscles.
When I got there I stretched and started off on my run. I remember thinking "OK here we go. Day one!" After about 30 seconds I felt a sudden burn in my knees. And shortly after a shattering pain and a little pop. Trying to ignore the pain. I kept running, and after about half a mile. The pain forced me to stop. I bent over and took a deep breath in and then released it. in...out...in...out about 2 minutes later. I stood straight up and proceeded to get back to the car.
When I got home I could hear the baby's cry from the drive way. I made my way up to my front door trying to ignore the pain and prepare myself for the task ahead. As my hand touched the door knob I took one last deep breath before diving into the challenge that my daughter had laid before me.
I walked into my home and picked her up. I got her to calm down and took advantage of the time and took a quick shower.
I then hopped into bed and rubbed my feet until I feel asleep. So today I have been walking around with sore knees and feet. I suppose I am going to have to take it slow with this workout plan. So here I am…. writing this post and trying to keep off my feet. I hope tomorrow's attempt will be more of a success.

The stubborn Pepper!

Ok so I am trying to stick to the plan, I was doing so well. When out of nowhere my bosses decide to buy me lunch...and out of all the things that they could have chosen to eat today. They decide on Thai food! Don't get me wrong the food is awesome but soooo fattening!
So anyway I get my food (chicken fried rice) somehow I think it counts less if it’s poultry instead of red meat. Oh ya and not to mention being the genius that I am I decide to get it extra spicy. Hoping that in doing so I would consume less as it would be too painful to enjoy. So there I am sitting at the table trying to eat this pile of rice that makes my eyes tear every time I take a bite. And I notice that I have a missed message on my phone. So I put my fork down and proceed to call my boyfriend. As I am on the phone with him, I self consciously begin to pick at my food and in the middle of a laugh I feel a sudden burn in my throat and I begin to involuntarily cough. My eyes glaze over and I can't see anything and I can't take a breath without it hurting. I quickly tell my boyfriend that I have to go. Although I am sure that on the other end he can hear my coughs and gagging noises. To this very moment I still have a slither of pepper stuck in my throat. When I talk to the customers I can feel it trying to make its way back up out of my throat.
………….So much for trying to make healthier choices!

Step One:The Plan

Me before and During Pregnancy
( I miss the girl I was before the Hormones took over.)

1. lose 75lbs before Jan 1, 2011. (Crazy right? I've been told "Relax, you just had a baby." But regardless I am going to attempt.)
2.Write on my blog everyday.
3.Be Happy. (this one might take longer, but I hope that by writing I will achieve this!)

The beautiful stranger.....

As I sat at the back of the class. I was keeping myself busy by reading the syllabus, I just wanted to go home. I hadn't seen my daughter all day, and I was starting to miss her. So there I was leafing through the pages trying to make the time go by faster.When my attention was caught by a woman who decided to sit at my table. She was the most beautiful person that I have ever seen in real life. She looked like she belonged on TV or better yet she belonged on a throne next to a king. Looking at her made me realize that I really need to work on me.
She looked so happy so carefree. She carried herself with pride. I spent the rest of the class staring at her. Everything about this woman was beautiful.. Her laugh, her attitude, her clothes.
I know right now I must sound like I have stalker potential......for all you know I have attached something to this blog to read your thoughts or to spy on you. lol that is a funny thought. But there are crazy people out there. I am nuts but I am only harmful to myself. So don't worry!
So to end my story , I left the class mesmerized. I wanted what that girl had, I wanted to self confidence. The entire drive home I daydreamed about running, swimming, and dancing. I could see myself on a stage while everyone in the audience looked up in admiration at me.
I might not be able to have everyone look at me in that way, but I want my girls to be able to look at me in admiration as opposed to disgust and shame.
CHANGE NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!!!!

Morning Alarm......

I had set the alarm with every intention to wake up at 5am and go for a morning jog. This Friday will mark the 7th week since I delivered my baby girl. But as soon as I heard the beep...beep....beep. I grabbed my cell phone and pushed the off button without a second thought. About 45 min later when I heard my daughter crying for her morning bottle. I glanced over at my phone and realized that I had missed my alarm. I quickly sat up and tried to get up as fast as I could. Only to trip over the covers and fall out of bed. half dazed I ran over to my daughters crib and picked her up. After I had soothed her and put her back to sleep. I walked over to my phone and saw that I didn't have enough time to go for my run. I tossed the phone onto the sofa and walked to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. As I lathered my body in soap. I looked at my sagging belly and the stretch marks that covered it. I started to cry. I was so disappointed in myself.
"why hadn't I gotten up?"
My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and that it doesn't matter to him whether I lose the weight or not. I wish that his acceptance could somehow put to rest my feelings of insecurity, but it doesn't. I've always struggled with my weight and I have never been able to accept my body. I am always looking for ways to improve it. It would be a cheap shot to try and blame the media, because that is what everyone seems to blame. Those beautiful people on the cover of the magazine have to work hard to look the way that they do. Looking at them doesn't make me think any less of myself. Looking at them makes me admire them and motivates me to get into shape.
I guess it is just going to take time for me to figure out a schedule. That I can stick to. I need to get back into shape. I also need to shake off this depression that is threatening to take over my life.

A sympathetic shoulder to cry on......

When I walked in from a long day at work, I let my things fall onto the coffee table. The loud thunk That I was trying to achieve motivated my boyfriend to turn to me and say "Are you ok?"
I looked away and hissed “I’m fine." but instead of insisting that I surrender my feelings. He turned his attention back to his friend and once more began to ignore my presence. This infuriated me. Why couldn't he just come hug me, greet me and tell me how much he missed and loved me? But I suppose my expectations for him or for anyone are sometimes too high. So instead of trying to talk to him I walked into the room and slammed the door. The sudden outburst must have awakened some curiosity in him. Because no more than a minute after he was walking through the door and insisting on what was wrong.
“I’m Fine!" I repeated.
"Ok." and just with that he was getting ready to turn around and once again leave me alone.
"Can I have a hug?" I burst out before his hand could touch the door knob.
He gave a big sigh and turned around. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. His gaze didn't meet mine. This only frustrated me even more and I began to cry. He huffed and without saying anything or looking at me he turned and headed for the door.
"I never get to spend time you anymore!"
He chuckled and kept walking. With his intentional neglect I began to cry more frantically and yelled “Babe!”
This time he turned around and said “Why, are you trying to fight with me?”
I just stood there holding my gaze on a spot on the wall. I let him see that I was crying. I whimpered out loud hoping to arise some sympathy from him. But this only irritated him further. We stood there in silence for what must have been at least a minute. He finally turned around and walked out. I yelled behind him.
“I am not trying to fight with you!” I stood there for a good five minutes not moving and crying. I was crying so hard that it was getting hard to breathe through my nostrils. When I realized that he wasn’t going to come back through the door. I whispered to myself.
“I was just trying to tell you how I felt.” I walked over to the bed and drew the covers over my head and cried. I laid there even though I could hear my daughter crying in the background. I just wanted to be left alone. What is wrong with me? Why can’t anyone give me the answer that I am looking for?
They say that it could be postpartum depression, but what kind of excuse is that for my behavior?

"Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life..."-Any Rand

I can't recall how many times I have been urged to be happy by others. But even as a child as others would smile and laugh at the wonderful things in life. I spent mine in the lather. I would spend my nights crying and hoping that the next day would bring about my death. I never pictured my self as an adult. I never saw past the thought of today. Tomorrow never seemed real enough for me to care. I can't explain why I felt this way. I could use the excuse that I was abused, or that my mother left. but where would that get me? I was not the only one nor will I be that last to go through these events. I beleive that my problems run deeper. I think that perhapes in another life I must of had some unfinished business. I was born unhappy. I have two halfs that make me, and as it stands, at this moment they are both fighting to take complete control.
When things get hard or hurtful I run. I have never stock around long enough to care. I left home the night of my 18th birthday. I left the first man I ever loved for the love of another. I uprooted to another state to avoid faliure and uprooted once more to forget. I urge and beg for commitment from others but refuse to committ to them out of fear and cowardness. I am currently 23 years old and now have 3 childern. I refuse to give them a false security or false life full of attemps of happiness and stableness. I need to find my self. I need to leave limbo.
I am going to write everything down, and then maybe I can find the meaning of Happiness.