Day One.....

Day one has begun.
My alarm went off at 5am this morning. I opened one eye and looked at the time. I was horrified at how fast the time had gone by. I felt as if I had just closed my eyes. I pushed the snooze button and tried to get some more sleep. five minutes later my daughter started to cry.(I guess this is her way of motivating me...smiling)I got up and put her back to sleep. By the time I had put her back to sleep I was awake enough to attempt this 30 day challenge. So I changed into my sweats and ate my breakfast. The protein shake mix that the trainer gave me had instructions that said it could either be blended or stirred. In an attempt to minimize noise I decided to stir.And I have to say that the shake is meant to be blended and not stirred. As I tried to gulp the shake down it had junks of the mix in it. Next time it will be blended or I wont drink it. The taste is not as bad as the texture. after tackling the shake I went on a two mile walk.By the time I came home I was exhausted. So I must admit it is going to be harder then I thought. But at least day one is half way done and I have stuck to the plan so far.....(sighing)

Taking on the 30 day challenge!

I haven't written on my blog for the past two days. I meant to get on and write but I was going through a spell of uncontrollable hormones. Sunday was supposed to be a great day with my family. But ended up turning into a game of tug a war for my emotions. I woke up in high spirits and went to bed feeling like garbage. When I go on one of my spells I tend to step on those that I love. I snap and I push people until they push back.
Monday morning consisted of me trying to get the strength to smile. I am trying this new thing where I don't let people see that I am upset.
so moving on.... (today is a new day)
I have consulted a personal trainer about wanting to lose weight and how much and how fast I wanted to lose it. He gave me this protein shake thing for the mornings before I go work out. I have always worked out on an empty stomach and eaten breakfast after. So eating before working out just means that I am going to have to wake up earlier then usual ( crying..sopping...making a puppy dog face)
he also told me that I have to stick to 1500 calories a day! I am still crying over this one. This means that snacks are out of the picture. I hope that I can stick to this. But I have nothing to lose(except weight!). The least I can do is try this for a whole month and since July is around the corner what perfect time to start then now? So when I asked him how many pounds I can lose in 30 days doing this. He says real causally 20 pounds. I kind of laughed out loud. But he looked at me straight in the eye and said. "seriously, if you stick to the plan and you really want it. 20 pounds"...so I don't know if I can take his word for it. So I am going to give it a try starting tomorrow. I will keep you guys posted.

The Plan (updates)

Updates
1.Pre-pregnancy weight 175 1bs (end of pregnancy weight 247 lbs)
Current weight: 227 lbs

2.Have worked out every day since Thursday
3.Food consumption: moderately healthy(can’t stay away from taco bell)
4.Current Mood: Happy ( with a hint of disappointment in how much weight I gained during pregnancy)

One Step At A Time

Beeeep! Beeeep! Beeeeep! This was the sound that I woke up to today. The noise pierced through my ears and my nerves. I grabbed my cell phone as quickly as I could before the alarm woke up the baby. But being the klutz that I am I dropped the phone before I could silence the alarm…… I rolled out of bed (more like fell out of bed) and frantically padded my hands on the surface of the carpet while crawling. When I had finally found and disabled the alarm. I could hear the rustling in the crib that I was trying to avoid. Without a second thought I rushed up and ran over to the crib. I had managed to wake up one of my companions I didn’t want to wake the other. My boyfriend is not a very good morning person. While running to the crib I miscalculated the distance and ran my big toe into one of the legs of the crib. I let out a tiny “yelp!” if I would have known that my boyfriend was going to wake up for a brief second when I did this. I would have made the yelp count and screamed instead of trying to muffle the pain that I was feeling. After I had picked her up, fed her, and gotten her to fall back asleep. I was awake enough to go for my morning walk. (I have to walk due to my knees. I wish that I could run though.)
My knees felt better today than they did yesterday. While I was walking I was thinking about all the things that have happened in the last year. (Yesterday’s anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death sparked the sudden realization.) If someone would have told me then that today I would be in a relationship with three daughters. I would have probably laughed in their face. I was into the party life. I spent my nights in the bars, and waking up with a hangover was the norm. It kind of takes your breath away when you suddenly realize how much can happen in an instant. It also makes you realize that nothing lasts forever. So for today I want to leave you guys with this. Live in the moment because today is yesterday and tomorrow is today.

Evening Run.....

I was determined and willing to go for a jog yesterday evening. I drove to a trail that is about a mile away from my home. The entire drive there I fantasized about running and how good it was going to feel. I miss the burn in my lungs and the tightening of the muscles.
When I got there I stretched and started off on my run. I remember thinking "OK here we go. Day one!" After about 30 seconds I felt a sudden burn in my knees. And shortly after a shattering pain and a little pop. Trying to ignore the pain. I kept running, and after about half a mile. The pain forced me to stop. I bent over and took a deep breath in and then released it. in...out...in...out about 2 minutes later. I stood straight up and proceeded to get back to the car.
When I got home I could hear the baby's cry from the drive way. I made my way up to my front door trying to ignore the pain and prepare myself for the task ahead. As my hand touched the door knob I took one last deep breath before diving into the challenge that my daughter had laid before me.
I walked into my home and picked her up. I got her to calm down and took advantage of the time and took a quick shower.
I then hopped into bed and rubbed my feet until I feel asleep. So today I have been walking around with sore knees and feet. I suppose I am going to have to take it slow with this workout plan. So here I am…. writing this post and trying to keep off my feet. I hope tomorrow's attempt will be more of a success.

The stubborn Pepper!

Ok so I am trying to stick to the plan, I was doing so well. When out of nowhere my bosses decide to buy me lunch...and out of all the things that they could have chosen to eat today. They decide on Thai food! Don't get me wrong the food is awesome but soooo fattening!
So anyway I get my food (chicken fried rice) somehow I think it counts less if it’s poultry instead of red meat. Oh ya and not to mention being the genius that I am I decide to get it extra spicy. Hoping that in doing so I would consume less as it would be too painful to enjoy. So there I am sitting at the table trying to eat this pile of rice that makes my eyes tear every time I take a bite. And I notice that I have a missed message on my phone. So I put my fork down and proceed to call my boyfriend. As I am on the phone with him, I self consciously begin to pick at my food and in the middle of a laugh I feel a sudden burn in my throat and I begin to involuntarily cough. My eyes glaze over and I can't see anything and I can't take a breath without it hurting. I quickly tell my boyfriend that I have to go. Although I am sure that on the other end he can hear my coughs and gagging noises. To this very moment I still have a slither of pepper stuck in my throat. When I talk to the customers I can feel it trying to make its way back up out of my throat.
………….So much for trying to make healthier choices!

Step One:The Plan

Me before and During Pregnancy
( I miss the girl I was before the Hormones took over.)

1. lose 75lbs before Jan 1, 2011. (Crazy right? I've been told "Relax, you just had a baby." But regardless I am going to attempt.)
2.Write on my blog everyday.
3.Be Happy. (this one might take longer, but I hope that by writing I will achieve this!)

The beautiful stranger.....

As I sat at the back of the class. I was keeping myself busy by reading the syllabus, I just wanted to go home. I hadn't seen my daughter all day, and I was starting to miss her. So there I was leafing through the pages trying to make the time go by faster.When my attention was caught by a woman who decided to sit at my table. She was the most beautiful person that I have ever seen in real life. She looked like she belonged on TV or better yet she belonged on a throne next to a king. Looking at her made me realize that I really need to work on me.
She looked so happy so carefree. She carried herself with pride. I spent the rest of the class staring at her. Everything about this woman was beautiful.. Her laugh, her attitude, her clothes.
I know right now I must sound like I have stalker potential......for all you know I have attached something to this blog to read your thoughts or to spy on you. lol that is a funny thought. But there are crazy people out there. I am nuts but I am only harmful to myself. So don't worry!
So to end my story , I left the class mesmerized. I wanted what that girl had, I wanted to self confidence. The entire drive home I daydreamed about running, swimming, and dancing. I could see myself on a stage while everyone in the audience looked up in admiration at me.
I might not be able to have everyone look at me in that way, but I want my girls to be able to look at me in admiration as opposed to disgust and shame.
CHANGE NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!!!!

Morning Alarm......

I had set the alarm with every intention to wake up at 5am and go for a morning jog. This Friday will mark the 7th week since I delivered my baby girl. But as soon as I heard the beep...beep....beep. I grabbed my cell phone and pushed the off button without a second thought. About 45 min later when I heard my daughter crying for her morning bottle. I glanced over at my phone and realized that I had missed my alarm. I quickly sat up and tried to get up as fast as I could. Only to trip over the covers and fall out of bed. half dazed I ran over to my daughters crib and picked her up. After I had soothed her and put her back to sleep. I walked over to my phone and saw that I didn't have enough time to go for my run. I tossed the phone onto the sofa and walked to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. As I lathered my body in soap. I looked at my sagging belly and the stretch marks that covered it. I started to cry. I was so disappointed in myself.
"why hadn't I gotten up?"
My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and that it doesn't matter to him whether I lose the weight or not. I wish that his acceptance could somehow put to rest my feelings of insecurity, but it doesn't. I've always struggled with my weight and I have never been able to accept my body. I am always looking for ways to improve it. It would be a cheap shot to try and blame the media, because that is what everyone seems to blame. Those beautiful people on the cover of the magazine have to work hard to look the way that they do. Looking at them doesn't make me think any less of myself. Looking at them makes me admire them and motivates me to get into shape.
I guess it is just going to take time for me to figure out a schedule. That I can stick to. I need to get back into shape. I also need to shake off this depression that is threatening to take over my life.

A sympathetic shoulder to cry on......

When I walked in from a long day at work, I let my things fall onto the coffee table. The loud thunk That I was trying to achieve motivated my boyfriend to turn to me and say "Are you ok?"
I looked away and hissed “I’m fine." but instead of insisting that I surrender my feelings. He turned his attention back to his friend and once more began to ignore my presence. This infuriated me. Why couldn't he just come hug me, greet me and tell me how much he missed and loved me? But I suppose my expectations for him or for anyone are sometimes too high. So instead of trying to talk to him I walked into the room and slammed the door. The sudden outburst must have awakened some curiosity in him. Because no more than a minute after he was walking through the door and insisting on what was wrong.
“I’m Fine!" I repeated.
"Ok." and just with that he was getting ready to turn around and once again leave me alone.
"Can I have a hug?" I burst out before his hand could touch the door knob.
He gave a big sigh and turned around. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. His gaze didn't meet mine. This only frustrated me even more and I began to cry. He huffed and without saying anything or looking at me he turned and headed for the door.
"I never get to spend time you anymore!"
He chuckled and kept walking. With his intentional neglect I began to cry more frantically and yelled “Babe!”
This time he turned around and said “Why, are you trying to fight with me?”
I just stood there holding my gaze on a spot on the wall. I let him see that I was crying. I whimpered out loud hoping to arise some sympathy from him. But this only irritated him further. We stood there in silence for what must have been at least a minute. He finally turned around and walked out. I yelled behind him.
“I am not trying to fight with you!” I stood there for a good five minutes not moving and crying. I was crying so hard that it was getting hard to breathe through my nostrils. When I realized that he wasn’t going to come back through the door. I whispered to myself.
“I was just trying to tell you how I felt.” I walked over to the bed and drew the covers over my head and cried. I laid there even though I could hear my daughter crying in the background. I just wanted to be left alone. What is wrong with me? Why can’t anyone give me the answer that I am looking for?
They say that it could be postpartum depression, but what kind of excuse is that for my behavior?

"Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life..."-Any Rand

I can't recall how many times I have been urged to be happy by others. But even as a child as others would smile and laugh at the wonderful things in life. I spent mine in the lather. I would spend my nights crying and hoping that the next day would bring about my death. I never pictured my self as an adult. I never saw past the thought of today. Tomorrow never seemed real enough for me to care. I can't explain why I felt this way. I could use the excuse that I was abused, or that my mother left. but where would that get me? I was not the only one nor will I be that last to go through these events. I beleive that my problems run deeper. I think that perhapes in another life I must of had some unfinished business. I was born unhappy. I have two halfs that make me, and as it stands, at this moment they are both fighting to take complete control.
When things get hard or hurtful I run. I have never stock around long enough to care. I left home the night of my 18th birthday. I left the first man I ever loved for the love of another. I uprooted to another state to avoid faliure and uprooted once more to forget. I urge and beg for commitment from others but refuse to committ to them out of fear and cowardness. I am currently 23 years old and now have 3 childern. I refuse to give them a false security or false life full of attemps of happiness and stableness. I need to find my self. I need to leave limbo.
I am going to write everything down, and then maybe I can find the meaning of Happiness.