(I found this and thought I would share, it was written a couple years ago)
Confessions of a lady bug
By Johanna~Marie
Intro
We all have our secrets, and we all have our regrets. Some of us learn to let go of the past and embrace the future with open arms. But then there are those of us whom dwell on the past. In dwelling on the past, we allow the past to engulf us. We allow it to become our reality. We live in yesterday. Afraid of a life that is unknown, we cling onto our formal realities. Opting to live in the pain of our yesterdays, instead of finding the strength to face the uncertainties of tomorrow. In refusing to let go, we lock ourselves away. How can we allow this? This life is full of beautiful and unexplainable things. Everything that occurs whether it is good or bad reveals its meaning with time. I have fumbled over my words for so long that I have allowed them to become a part of my being, my soul lingers beneath all the lies that have consumed the world I have become accustomed to. I wait for the beacon of hope to aspire my willingness to free myself from the clutches of the hell that is my life.
This is my story. My confessions written down, documented for the world to see. I have lived inside of a false reality that for so long has kept me in the dark. I was like the ladybug that hid beneath the log. Afraid of spreading her wings. Afraid of allowing the wind to carry her to the unknown, but we all have to let go of our fears at one time or another. The lady bug inside of me is ready to crawl out from under the log and be carried away by the wind…………..
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Furious......
I am so furious right now. I had just written a post and it got erased!(making mean faces at the computer). I don't know if I can top that post. but I will try.
Lately I have been wanting and yearning to write. I miss the days when I could write for hours. I have always aspired to be a writer but I have always been so afraid. I suppose the fear is due to the fact that when I was 13 my step mother found and read my diary. Not only that but she locked me in her room as she recited all my entries back to me. I had to explain myself for every word that she read out loud. I was then told by my father that I could no longer write because writing just hurts people's feelings. He then threw my diary away. I need to unblock the fear that has kept me from writing because I need to write. It is my only escape!
( I tried to make this post better, but failed! I need to get back to work. Because an aspiring writer needs to pay the bills!)
HAVE A NICE WEEKEND ALL!
Lately I have been wanting and yearning to write. I miss the days when I could write for hours. I have always aspired to be a writer but I have always been so afraid. I suppose the fear is due to the fact that when I was 13 my step mother found and read my diary. Not only that but she locked me in her room as she recited all my entries back to me. I had to explain myself for every word that she read out loud. I was then told by my father that I could no longer write because writing just hurts people's feelings. He then threw my diary away. I need to unblock the fear that has kept me from writing because I need to write. It is my only escape!
( I tried to make this post better, but failed! I need to get back to work. Because an aspiring writer needs to pay the bills!)
HAVE A NICE WEEKEND ALL!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Another week....another broken heart.
I haven't written in almost a week, because I have been really really stressed.(When I say stressed, I mean crying and not eating stressed)I thought that by moving out of my families house that everything would get better. I was also under the false impression that after my baby was born that they would no longer look down on me for getting pregnant. As if somehow seeing the baby would erase all the meanness in their hearts. I was wrong!
I am trying to be the best mother that I can be, but I feel so lost. I had made a decision when I got pregnant that it was no longer about me. That I was going to make it all about my children. But as of late I am starting to see that maybe sometimes it has to be about me too.
I picked up the bible the other day. Someone told me that it would help. I haven't read it. Instead I held it in my hands and was overwhelmed with sorrow that I began to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what it is that I am supposed to do? But I suppose that when you grow up hearing things like:
"love isn't real, if someone tells you that they love you. It is a lie! Because no body will ever care about someone more then they care about themselves." True words spoken by my father.(it's no wonder that I am torn)
But I have to believe that what he wants me to believe is a lie. Because without love what kind of life can I build for my children?
I am trying to be the best mother that I can be, but I feel so lost. I had made a decision when I got pregnant that it was no longer about me. That I was going to make it all about my children. But as of late I am starting to see that maybe sometimes it has to be about me too.
I picked up the bible the other day. Someone told me that it would help. I haven't read it. Instead I held it in my hands and was overwhelmed with sorrow that I began to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what it is that I am supposed to do? But I suppose that when you grow up hearing things like:
"love isn't real, if someone tells you that they love you. It is a lie! Because no body will ever care about someone more then they care about themselves." True words spoken by my father.(it's no wonder that I am torn)
But I have to believe that what he wants me to believe is a lie. Because without love what kind of life can I build for my children?
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Last Night......
Last night I couldn't’t sleep. I was overwhelmed with worries and “what if’s”…what if I don’t get all of my grant from the school? ….what if I don’t lose all the baby weight fast?......What if it takes longer to get my RN?......all these questions and more stayed with me most of the night. So there I was sitting on the bed and hyperventilating. When around 12:30 am my boyfriend walked into the room to get something. When he noticed that I was still wide awake.
“why are you still up?” he asked.
With just that one question I was overwhelmed; I spilled out to him and began to cry. He just sighed and hugged me.
“You always worry too much.”
“No I don’t…” I fought back
He chuckled and hugged me. “You need to learn how to worry about the things that are happening now not tomorrow.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, I was confused, aren’t you suppose to worry about the future?
“Try this, worry about two things that are happening right now like, Evelyn wants to be held and the dishes need to be washed, and then worry about one thing in the future like school starts in two weeks.”
After he said that it was like a light bulb went off. He was right I need to focus on today or tomorrow will be here and I would have worried over nothing and missed my life right now. So starting today I am going to try that. Taking a deep breath in and allowing life to takes its course. If I continue to stress the way that I do, soon I will suffer from a heart attack.
So I am off, I am planning a weekend full of fun and adventure for my family and I. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
“why are you still up?” he asked.
With just that one question I was overwhelmed; I spilled out to him and began to cry. He just sighed and hugged me.
“You always worry too much.”
“No I don’t…” I fought back
He chuckled and hugged me. “You need to learn how to worry about the things that are happening now not tomorrow.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, I was confused, aren’t you suppose to worry about the future?
“Try this, worry about two things that are happening right now like, Evelyn wants to be held and the dishes need to be washed, and then worry about one thing in the future like school starts in two weeks.”
After he said that it was like a light bulb went off. He was right I need to focus on today or tomorrow will be here and I would have worried over nothing and missed my life right now. So starting today I am going to try that. Taking a deep breath in and allowing life to takes its course. If I continue to stress the way that I do, soon I will suffer from a heart attack.
So I am off, I am planning a weekend full of fun and adventure for my family and I. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Friday, August 13, 2010
I missed Running......
I bent forward and kept my legs straight. The burn that came from stretching made me let out a big puff of air. I had just finished 2 miles in 26 minutes. I kept the stretch going for 60 seconds. I then slowly rose up exhaling. I felt so relieved so free. I love the feeling that I am taken over with when I am running. I urge to shortness of breath, I need the burning sensation in my lungs like a smoker needs the drag off of their cigarette. I am running junkie. Throughout my entire pregnancy I couldn't’t run. I needed it so badly, without the exercise I became a witch. The hormones didn’t help the cause but the lack of running really put a strain on me emotionally as well as physically.
I am three months postpartum and 32 pounds lighter, I could not be more pleased, as I am sure my boyfriend is as well because he doesn’t have to fear the loss of life every time I decide to sit on his lap anymore! (When I was pregnant I would attempt this as well as trying to preserve the romance in our relationship. But who in the world would take a pregnant lady tease dance seriously!)
But that was then and this is now. 32 pounds lighter the dance is a lot more appealing. I have been swamped at work this week. But I have kept from cheating; Although Sushi on my cheat days has become a routine. Mmmm sushi is the best food in the world! I should have been born Asian and not Mexican.
I have 30 pounds to lose and 9 weeks until my 5k race, and it’s all on schedule so far! Hope you all have an awesome weekend and remember determination and a big imagination will take you far.
I am three months postpartum and 32 pounds lighter, I could not be more pleased, as I am sure my boyfriend is as well because he doesn’t have to fear the loss of life every time I decide to sit on his lap anymore! (When I was pregnant I would attempt this as well as trying to preserve the romance in our relationship. But who in the world would take a pregnant lady tease dance seriously!)
But that was then and this is now. 32 pounds lighter the dance is a lot more appealing. I have been swamped at work this week. But I have kept from cheating; Although Sushi on my cheat days has become a routine. Mmmm sushi is the best food in the world! I should have been born Asian and not Mexican.
I have 30 pounds to lose and 9 weeks until my 5k race, and it’s all on schedule so far! Hope you all have an awesome weekend and remember determination and a big imagination will take you far.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday Morning......
I have spent this entire past weekend relaxing. I did my runs and Palates. I suppose you can say that I had a very productive weekend. I am down 2 more pounds and I want to be down to 200lbs for my daughters third birthday at the end of the month. We are taking her to the park and throwing a birthday party. I want to be able to buy a new outfit for that and show off my progress. At the end of the month I will post before and after photos for you guys.
Even with all the workouts and calorie counting I still feel fat. I feel bloated I can't feel the weight loss or perhaps its because in my head I am still fat. People will tell me that they see the difference but I am not sure if they are just trying to be nice?
Well that is all I have for now. I can hear my baby crying in her crib and no doubt her father is in the shower. So that means I am up.
I will write later.
Have a wonderful Monday everyone!
Even with all the workouts and calorie counting I still feel fat. I feel bloated I can't feel the weight loss or perhaps its because in my head I am still fat. People will tell me that they see the difference but I am not sure if they are just trying to be nice?
Well that is all I have for now. I can hear my baby crying in her crib and no doubt her father is in the shower. So that means I am up.
I will write later.
Have a wonderful Monday everyone!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
My life so far.....
I haven't written in my post for awhile. I have been busy.Although that is no excuse for not keeping up with my blog. I should have taken time out of my day to write. So here are updates for my readers. I lost 12 pounds last month. Not exactly 20 pounds but I am not going to lie. I cheated a few days out of those 30. So really 12 pounds is not bad. So today I am starting another 30 day challange. I am also still training for my run in october. I am able to run half a mile without coughing up a lung!
I moved out of my sisters house. I have been feeling guilty about it. Although I don't know why I do. I did what I believed to be the best thing for me and my family. Where do you draw the line between your "Family" and your family? My whole life I have struggled to keep everyone happy. I always put thier needs before mine. But I can no longer do that. I feel like I am sufficating. I love my sisters and my dad but I love my family as well. I wish that they didn't have to make me feel like I have to choose between them.
I spent most of this weekend crying myself to sleep. I want my daugher to be happy I want her to have an amazing life. But how can I provide this if I myself am not happy? I have always felt left out from my sisters. We have nothing in common and most of the time I end up being more of a mother to them then an older sister. I am stuck!
But I have to move on. I guess you would call it cutting your losses. I can't afford to contiue to allow my family to suck the life out of me. I need to focus on my babies and my future husband. I may have not had control over which family I was born into. But I have control over what kind of family my daughters have.
So in my life so far.....
1. I am half way to losing all of my baby weight.
2. I start school this month and by the end of 2012 I should have my RN.
3. I have three girls and a man that I am in love with.
4. Starting to take care of my needs.
I WILL KEEP YOU ALL POSTED. HAVE A GREAT DAY!
I moved out of my sisters house. I have been feeling guilty about it. Although I don't know why I do. I did what I believed to be the best thing for me and my family. Where do you draw the line between your "Family" and your family? My whole life I have struggled to keep everyone happy. I always put thier needs before mine. But I can no longer do that. I feel like I am sufficating. I love my sisters and my dad but I love my family as well. I wish that they didn't have to make me feel like I have to choose between them.
I spent most of this weekend crying myself to sleep. I want my daugher to be happy I want her to have an amazing life. But how can I provide this if I myself am not happy? I have always felt left out from my sisters. We have nothing in common and most of the time I end up being more of a mother to them then an older sister. I am stuck!
But I have to move on. I guess you would call it cutting your losses. I can't afford to contiue to allow my family to suck the life out of me. I need to focus on my babies and my future husband. I may have not had control over which family I was born into. But I have control over what kind of family my daughters have.
So in my life so far.....
1. I am half way to losing all of my baby weight.
2. I start school this month and by the end of 2012 I should have my RN.
3. I have three girls and a man that I am in love with.
4. Starting to take care of my needs.
I WILL KEEP YOU ALL POSTED. HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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