I can't recall how many times I have been urged to be happy by others. But even as a child as others would smile and laugh at the wonderful things in life. I spent mine in the lather. I would spend my nights crying and hoping that the next day would bring about my death. I never pictured my self as an adult. I never saw past the thought of today. Tomorrow never seemed real enough for me to care. I can't explain why I felt this way. I could use the excuse that I was abused, or that my mother left. but where would that get me? I was not the only one nor will I be that last to go through these events. I beleive that my problems run deeper. I think that perhapes in another life I must of had some unfinished business. I was born unhappy. I have two halfs that make me, and as it stands, at this moment they are both fighting to take complete control.
When things get hard or hurtful I run. I have never stock around long enough to care. I left home the night of my 18th birthday. I left the first man I ever loved for the love of another. I uprooted to another state to avoid faliure and uprooted once more to forget. I urge and beg for commitment from others but refuse to committ to them out of fear and cowardness. I am currently 23 years old and now have 3 childern. I refuse to give them a false security or false life full of attemps of happiness and stableness. I need to find my self. I need to leave limbo.
I am going to write everything down, and then maybe I can find the meaning of Happiness.
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