I haven't written in almost a week, because I have been really really stressed.(When I say stressed, I mean crying and not eating stressed)I thought that by moving out of my families house that everything would get better. I was also under the false impression that after my baby was born that they would no longer look down on me for getting pregnant. As if somehow seeing the baby would erase all the meanness in their hearts. I was wrong!
I am trying to be the best mother that I can be, but I feel so lost. I had made a decision when I got pregnant that it was no longer about me. That I was going to make it all about my children. But as of late I am starting to see that maybe sometimes it has to be about me too.
I picked up the bible the other day. Someone told me that it would help. I haven't read it. Instead I held it in my hands and was overwhelmed with sorrow that I began to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what it is that I am supposed to do? But I suppose that when you grow up hearing things like:
"love isn't real, if someone tells you that they love you. It is a lie! Because no body will ever care about someone more then they care about themselves." True words spoken by my father.(it's no wonder that I am torn)
But I have to believe that what he wants me to believe is a lie. Because without love what kind of life can I build for my children?
Oh Johanna-Marie what a heartbreaking post. Are you seeking help? I hope you have the support you need to allow you to be the best person you can be and the best mother you can be. Love is real - and people can care more about others than they do themselves - I know I do. Love is something you have to craft, nurture and create for yourself. You'll experience the most positive and pure form of love from your children. Take it, hold it in your heart and send it back to them - doubled.
ReplyDeleteProfessional help and guidance will also help you. There are some things we can't overcome ourselves and taking steps to find help can be the best thing you can do.
Hugs xx